I’d like to begin by clarifying that I don’t think the intervals of light between two successive nights suck. I’m a huge fan of the 24 hours that represent the average length of time during which the earth makes one rotation on its axis. Those days are rad. Full of wonder, adventure, excitement, and television.
It’s those other days. Awareness days you could call them. I’m sure you know the ones. The days where an organisation, usually a charity, commandeers 24 hours of public time to shill their chosen cause.
When I was younger there was Red Nose Day, and that was it. The purpose of Red Nose Day was to exchange some loose change for a cheap, plastic, clown-like nose and all funds raised would go towards curing SIDS.
A noble cause.
But then came Daffodil Day, which was to raise awareness of… leukaemia? I think. Or is that Jeans for Genes Day?
Now it’s like every single day is a goddamn day. In never ends! You can’t get through a calendar week without having to deal with some kind of day. Complete with its own hokey theme.
Shave Your Head To Cure Cancer Day, Wacky Tie Day To Support Eskimos With Low Self Esteem Day. And International Talk Like A Pirate Day. To promote piracy?
And if one of these days, or heaven forbid all of them, infiltrate your workplace you’re constantly handing out an endless stream of money to an endless stream of charitable causes lest you look like an uncaring asshole. It’s the most diabolical form of workplace harassment.
Though these days are all terrible in their own special ways the most diabolical of the bunch is “R U OK Day. For those unfamiliar with this farcical bullshit I’ll fill you in. It’s a day devoted to making sure your loved ones are ok. By asking them if they’re ok.
What. The. Shit.
Ok, so by now you’re most likely thinking “Wow, what a misanthropic dick.” Though you’re partially correct, I ask you this; Why are we relegating basic human compassion to one day a year? Isn’t being there for your friends and family a fundamental part of everyday relationships?
What if a friend is in dire need of a friendly ear…
“I’ve broken up with my girlfriend so I’ve been pretty down. My boss was giving me a hard time because my work was starting to suffer, so in a fit of rage and depression I slugged him. Now I have no job. I tried heroin to numb the pain and I liked it. Now I’ve sold all of my possessions to feed my habit. This means I’ve had no way to pay my rent so the landlord kicked me out. So I’m homeless. And to top it all off I slept with that skanky woman from the bar now my junk is itchy and it burns when I pee. I need some advice.”
“Sorry pal, you’re gonna have to wait ‘til next year when R U OK? Day swings around again. Today is International Walk On Your Hands To Promote Gravity Day. My hands are tied.”
These days are ridiculous, uninspired and they suck.