Motivate This! – Entry #005

Meanwhile, in the real world...
Meanwhile, in the real world…

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that the person who wrote this has never, ever, been in a long term relationship. Ever.

Ever.
The usual suspect.

A standard response to me questioning the validity of the above assertion, one I’m hit with regularly, is “Never do anything you need to lie about.” This is almost as ridiculous and blinkered as the affirmation/motivational itself.

It’s not simply about your own behaviour; that’s easy to control and/or take responsibility for. However there may be instances, completely out of your control and not caused by any deception on your part, where truth in a long term relationship isn’t always the best option.

For example, when she asks:
If you think she’s highly strung. And she is.
If you really like her family. And you don’t.
If look at other women. And you do.
If the asymmetry of her breasts bothers you. And it does.
If you think the number of men she’s slept with seems high. And it is.

Or the old chestnut; If your long term girlfriend is wearing a completely hideous outfit that she absolutely adores and asks you for an honest assessment about its appearance.

"No honey, it's not pretentious at all."
No honey, it’s not pretentious at all.

Less black/white.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge proponent of honesty. I mean, honesty is reality. Anything less is disingenuous and not real, but damn.

If you NEVER lie you’ll never BE in a long term relationship.

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7 thoughts on “Motivate This! – Entry #005

  1. I completely agree with this. Too much honesty hurts too many feelings when it comes to the simple things – like a terrible outfit or a comment better left unsaid. Sometimes the truth is better buried for the sake of a relationship!

    1. I’m torn. One one hand I love honesty and wish it were more prevalent. I try to live my life as honestly as possible.
      On the other hand, people are pretty sensitive and don’t like being challenged by honesty at all.

      I put it to you, and anyone else reading, that if people were MORE exposed to honesty they would be less sensitive to receiving it.

      Imagine a world were when your partner asked a question and they were actually interested in an honest response!

      1. I think they would be. But it would take a lot of time and culture shifts. I love that movie – The Invention of Lying. I think it’s brilliant and it really demonstrates that point you just made – shows how the world would be if we didn’t lie. (and how ingrained it is in human nature to do so). I think it’s too hard to lie about the big stuff though – that always eats away at you and comes out no matter what. And it should.

        I think the reception of such honesty would vary based on cultural differences – just small things. I live in Australia and I find we have a different attitude towards certain things as opposed to other Western countries which is really interesting. For instance – the way we treat the asking of favours to Americans is significantly different and I didn’t understand it until I learnt about the cultural differences through my studies. I think such an attitude would translate into the reception of honesty though. Personally, I’d take offense if my partner told me I looked horrible in a new dress or something. My family would respond in similar ways to such honesty.

        Receiving honesty in its entirety without associating negatives or personal deficits would take work and some getting used to – baby steps. Maybe it’s an individual thing to work towards though – being able to accept blatant honesty to things we all know people lie about to avoid social and personal awkwardness without taking offense. I actually like the thought of trying it out now 🙂

        1. That’s a really well thought out series of thoughts dude. Thanks for taking the time/effort. And, for the record, I’m from the land of Oz too.

          I agree, it would take a lot time, culture shifts, and an overall desensitisation of the truth for complete honesty to become a cultural thing that happens.
          But hey, I have the time and patience. Well, I have the time.

          I’m not very good at big lies either. As a teenager I was an excellent liar, then I grew up a little and realised the effort it took to live the lie simply wasn’t worth it. Plus, lies aren’t REAL. And I don’t like the idea of living a false existence.

          Hence everytime I tell even the whitest of lies, it doesn’t sit well with me.

          Ergo, I’d be more than open to a partner giving an honest assessment of my outfit/appearance. What if I did look like a knob? It’s a strong possibility!
          I’d much rather be told that by someone who cares about me than by anyone else. Surely it’s easier to hear the truth from someone that has no discernible ulterior motives.

          You’re right. It is an individual thing and definitely worth working towards. Not only accepting blatant honesty, but giving it as well. Which is possibly harder than receiving it.

          Let me know how the honesty experiment goes!
          .

  2. Indeed. A good lie will keep her happy for a long time – good, entertaining, refreshing, honest lies. Nothing like a steaming cup of fresh lies to start the day.

  3. Every small lie eventually adds up, and will one day end up in a large one; or will become so burdensome the walls will crumble into a disastrously epic explosion. Be honest or go home. Tell me my ass looks huge, I want to know. That’s why I chose whoever I chose to be with. Because I trust they’ll tell me what my judgement won’t always be able too. Man up a little.

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